True Story Tuesday: Real Life Wedding Crashers

It's that time of year: wedding season. It's the time of year when your weekends fill up with weddings and all the related festivities. And once all of the craziness and months (or even years) of preparation have finally concluded and all the stress from all the details and events are finally out of the way, it's time to cut loose and celebrate!

Over the past several years, my husband and I have participated in several of our friends' weddings. And through the years, we have learned a couple of very valuable lessons: A) We should not be allowed to consume alcoholic beverages at such events or 2) We simply should not be invited.

Case in point: I was a bridesmaid in my very good friend's wedding 2 years ago this very day. At the reception, after a few too many glasses of wine, I thought it would be a great idea to go ahead and catch the bouquet. And yes, I was already married at the time. Not only did I catch the bouquet, but I DOVE for the darn thing, knocking all others out of my way to ensure that the bouquet was MINE. And by "all others," I mean a 4-year-old girl that desperately wanted to be the lucky one to catch the beloved bouquet. What followed it a bit of a blur, but I believe it was something along the lines of me spiking the bouquet into the dance floor as the little girl burst into tears. Needless to say, the bride was not too impressed...nor were most of the guests. In the end, I did feel bad, and I did give the bouquet to the little girl. The picture the photographer took of the bride with the bouquet-catcher was a photo of a splotchy-faced girl who had just been crying. As an aside, I'm not quite clear about this, but it's very possible that I passed out at a dinner table at the reception.

This past weekend was no exception to the wedding craziness. Only THIS time, it was my husband that acted a fool. The first sign that he had too much to drink was when he stepped on the dance floor. Let me tell you that in all the years we have been together, not ONCE have I ever EVER seen him dance. What he proceeded to do was a cross between skipping in place and a slow-motion running man. Apparently he thought he looked good because he continued to do this move throughout the rest of the night...first with the bride, and then with several other guests and bridesmaids.

By the end of the night, the man I call my husband had managed to vomit in a center piece, eject 2 glass vases from a moving vehicle into the middle of the street in a quiet residential area, drop and shatter a third glass vase in our driveway, and urinate in the corner of our bedroom. I'm not writing this post to entertain you...but more to WARN you: unless you want to see debauchery in full effect, DO NOT INVITE US TO YOUR WEDDING!

True Story Tuesday: Mommy's Keg Stand

I would like to give a shout out to our beloved follower, Jess,
for telling us to get off our asses and blogificate again.
This one's for you!

So, my brother graduated from college over the weekend.
Afterwards, he held the obligatory keg party in which family and friends attended.
Hilarity ensued when my mother, who in high school was known as "Two Can Judy"
decided it might be a nice time, at the tender age of 56, to do her first Keg Stand.

It was amazing! She even had good form! Someone came running up with their camera and said, "awwwww. I totally missed it," to which my mother replied, "I'll do it again!!!"

And so she did.

NOTE: Apologies for the audio. This was taken hastily with my camera phone, and somehow between my camera and my computer, the audio took a turn for the worse.
Although, I personally think it adds a little something to the video!

Notice the stumbling afterwards. And at the very end... is that a possible upchuck?

Birthday: Bloggified!

Does everyone know what today is?! Not only is it the 69th day of the year (true story!) and the 32nd anniversary of the day astronomers discovered rings around Uranus (also true - there's a lot of cool shit about March 10th!!!) but is also the 30th anniversary of the day The Militia was expulsed from her mother's uterus! That's right, folks - please join me in wishing a fan-fucking-tastic 30th birthday upon my homie, my partner-in-crime, co-author of The Bung Blog: THE MILITIA!

This chica and I go waaaaaay back! I'm talking back to when our age was displayed in single digits, back when Reagan was the prez, and back before internetting (even DIAL UP!!!). 1986 was the year, and had it not been for a horrific wardrobe malfunction (a theme in our lives) in Mrs. Cooper's 2nd grade class, we just might not be where we are today. What would the world be like without Ash-Hole & The Militia?? Well, there would certainly be fewer water gun drive-by's, The Bung Blog would not exist (nor would the OBB - Original Bung Book), and the 7th sense would be completely unknown to all.

What have we been through in our near-23 years of BEST friendship? What HAVEN'T we been through?! From jumping on trampolines together and playing with our imaginary friend "Jade" who lived in the drain of my parents' pool, to driving across the country together and being in each others' weddings, we've been through it all. We've been roommates, we've been houligans, we've been hungover (duh), we've been considered straight up insane by most, we've been drunk, we've been in fights, we've nearly been arrested, we've been kicked out of public places, we've been each other's life lines. The Militia has always been here for me - she pushed me on the tire swing, she shared my first beer and first cigarette with me (both of which we stole from her step-dad), she let me cry on her shoulder during my first broken heart, she's held my hair while I puked on MANY occasions, she helped me move across the country when my relationship fell apart, she gave me a place to live when I had no where else to go, she stood up with me at my wedding, she STILL lets me call her to cry when things aren't going well, and she will always ALWAYS be my asexual vanilla!

So here's to all the horrible karoke we've sung, all the dancing on bars we've done, and to what is known as BUNG! May the next decade of your life be as bad assed as the first 3!

HAPPY 30th HOLMES!!! I LOVE YER ASS!!!

Photo Album Friday!

Welcome to Photo Album Friday! This week we will be featuring photos from my 30th birthday party. The theme: debauchery! Enjoy!

There you have it, folks. Lots of bolligerance, debauchery, shots, jager bombs, 7th's, crazy poses, drinking, craziness, insanity, followed by more drinking, craziness, and insanity. Words just don't describe....but the pics sure do.

Until we bung again!

Tell All Tuesday!

So by now you all know that I turned the Dirty Thirty last week. In this week's edition of Tell All Tuesday, I would now like to share with you some of the highlights of the weekend (minus the drama - AKA totalled car, $200 tab, unnecessary fight):

"You'll always be my sexual chocolate....I mean, asexual vanilla."

"This lipgloss kinda burns. It's like it hurts but feels good at the same time."
"Oh, you mean like anal sex?"

"Ash, can you move the pitcher from the corner of the table."
"Bobby, can you please move your gay ass from the corner of the table."

"I'll take the meat lovers."
"Will that be bone IN?"

"Are these made of glass? Or plastic?"
"It's glastic."

"I like your matching sweater & beanie....do you shop at Baby Gap?"

"All this music totally reminds me of..." "8th grade!! I know!!" "I was going to say my senior year......"

"I love how there was a life sized old man that said 'please do not touch' and you automatically walked in the door and reached out to touch it." <--Actually, I went to shake his hand.

"oh... oh no... this is bad..." from inside the bathroom stall. (Bloody nose fiasco)

We couldn't stay inside the restaurant without cackling, so we sat outside in the foyer and I read Melissa a child's story... WHILE people were walking in and out!

I went ahead and fixed my own drink when our bartender was MIA.

Came home with a giant bag full of fance dinner napkins from the bar....found out later that our waitress gave that to us in case anyone needed to puke on the drive home.

Srsly....good times!

Actual photos coming soon!!!

Birthday Shout Out!

We, at The Bung Blog, would like to take time out of our busy lives to wish a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to this crazy bitch right here:

Miss CHELSEA HANDLER!!!

We consider her our pisces sister. Like us, she has a bad ass 7th and we pretty much think she's the funniest bitch alive.

I have personally been following Chelsea since back in the day when she was on Girls Behaving Badly:

I own & cherish both of her critically acclaimed books:

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One Night Stands and Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea


The title of My Horizontal Life says it all. This book chronicals the insane sexcapades of young, single woman who dabbles in ecstacy, anal beads, and sleeping with midgets. Basically your standard bedroom romps of your 20's.

Are You There Vodka walks you through the typical belligerance and debauchery of the typical American woman. And if these stories aren't typical for you, well....I guess you're just not as cool as we are.

These days, you can find Chelsea on Chelsea Lately on the E! Network weeknights at 11:00pm (10:00 central).

If you don't adore Chelsea as much as we do, then I'm afraid we can no longer be bloggie friends.

Oh, and my favorite little nugget would like to wish Chelsea a happy birthday as well:

Once again, HAPPY EFIN BIRTHDAY, CHELSEA!!! We love your crazy ass!

Until we bung again, folks!

~Ash-Hole & The Militia~

True Story Tuesday: The Lake Ninja

There should definitely be more true-life stories about Ninjas. My bestie and I both think so. Fortunately, we both have our own.

In this story my husband is actually the Ninja, which makes me a very proud wife.

This occurred in the wee hours of the morning, one drunken summer night at our favorite local lake. After a steady intake of Keystone Light for approximately 12 hours, my hubby and a small group of our drunken lake friends who were not yet passed out decided they needed to get something out of the boat house. When they got to the boat house, they realized that one of the drunkard's parents were in there sleeping.

"Dammit!" one drunk-ass exclaimed in a whisper that was almost louder than regular speech, "Now we can't get in there to get that shit!"

"Hey," my husband drunk-whispered back. "I GOT this! I'm jus' gonna sneak in there an' get it. I got this.... I'm a fucking ninja."

The fucking ninja then proceeded to enter the boat house with elephant-like reflexes, knocking over only a few random items which rattled to the floor, waking up the parents. Upon successful completion of the mission, he extricated himself from the boat house with the item.

"See? I told you... I'm a fucking ninja."

To all you ninjas out there... Keep on keepin' on.

Melody Monday

Melody Monday is a new segment of The Bung Blog where we will feature songs we enjoy, parody songs, videos, etc. Today, we would like to share with you a song that has truly touched our hearts. A song that we have spent countless hours singing (off-key) at bars and pubs the world over. We wanted to share this timeless classic with you as we love this song and we feel that you should too!

So now, we present to you (sung to the tune of Do-Re-Mi)

The Beer Song:

Dough - the stuff that buys my beer!

Ray - the guy that sells my beer!

Me - the guy that drinks my beer!

Far - a long, long way to the jon!

Sooooo, I'll have another beer!
La, I'll have another beer!

Tea, no thanks I'll have a beer!

Then I'll start all over again!

Catchy, isn't it? We hope that you've enjoyed this week's edition of Melody Monday. Have a great first day of the week!

Until we bung again!

Cheers!

Ninja: The Drink

This recipe comes to you courtesy of the hilarious people (or person, never met him/her) at blogadilla.com:

Shrouded in mystery, this drink comes from the exotic Japanese criminal underground - many died to discover the recipe.

The Ninja ingredients:
• 1 bottle blueberry (or grape) soda
• 2 shots Bacardi 151 Rum
• ice
• 1 highball glass
• a blender
• straw
• 1 ninja throwing star

Step 1: Blend ice, add one bottle blueberry (or grape) soda while blending.

Step 2: Add 2 shots Bacardi 151 Rum, garnish with ninja throwing star.

(Ninja. Get it? It’s strong and it sneaks up on you.)

Thirsty Thursday: Jager Bombs

It's Thirsty Thursday, bitches!

Now, you may be asking yourself "WTF is Thirsty Thursday??" Well, my friends, Thirsty Thursday is the day we salute our favorite (adult) beverages, for without (adult) beverages, our lives just would not be the same. Literally. We would not have near the amount of funny stories (or regrets), hangovers, sexcapades, or hilarity in our lives. Now, I'm not saying we condone excessive drinking, cuz we don't.......

WE STRAIGHT UP RECOMMEND IT!

Now, in all fairness, booze is not a requirement to have a great 7th (if you are unaware of what a 7th is, please see blogs labeled 7th Sense). I like to think that my bestie and I have such bad.ass. 7ths that we could kick booze today and still be 2 of the funniest bitches I know (and NO, that's not because I don't know that many people). However, booze can really heighten one's 7th. But now I'm getting totally off track....cuz I'm saluting booze altogether when I really just want to be saluting one specific drink.

So now, I would like to introduce you to this week's Thirsty Thursday Featured Beverage:

JAGER BOMBS!!

Jager bombs! Fuckin Jager bombs! We fuckin shower in that shit!

And now, for your viewing pleasure, a video honoring the ONE AND ONLY:

JAGER BOMBS!!